Speedy (a.k.a MJ)

I grew up in a very small town of about 600 people and was raised in a Christian home. Our home was never quiet and we went to church every time the doors were open. My family always had different missionaries and special speakers staying at our home. I thought that going to church is how you get into heaven. At age 4, I thought that is how I would get into heaven by going to church, being a "good girl" and by doing works. I never really believed or accepted Christ as Savior until much later. Through my childhood I was very depressed and didn't talk to anyone. I really didn't understand what was going on like I do today. Everybody in my hometown knew everybody else's business.

Back in the 50's and 60's they never talked about "gay" and that it was wrong. In fact, they never talked about sex and that we shouldn't let people touch us. I remember I always had those "feelings" when I was growing up of being a lesbian. In my mind I said "it was ok to do that" and that I wouldn't get hurt or be hurt emotionally, mentally or even spiritually. I wish at that time that someone told me that it was WRONG to do.

What happened was that I was being sexually, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically abused by my grandpa and by my "best" friend and her brother. All this started at age 4 or maybe earlier, I am not sure. My grandpa started it and I still told myself "hey he loves me" and that it was ok to let him do the things he did to me. Little did I know that letting "him" touch me and things would destroy my childhood and that it would change my life for good.

As the abuse got worse, "her" and her brother did things much worse to me. I couldn't even tell anybody what was going on. I was too ASHAMED and felt that it was my fault.

This is when those feelings started when "her" would do things to me, they made those feelings more alive. I felt safe with her and in doing it with her... I never had the pain as I did when my grandpa and her brother hurt me. As a result of this abuse, I got into different SA problems.

As I got older, I never dated during high school because I was so afraid that those "feelings" would come out. So I kept to myself. These feelings got much stronger and I had two relationships growing up. These relationships I was into, got me very confused and angry at myself but at God as well. I didn't know what to do and since I didn't know what to do for sure, I would drink wine and would smoke to cover up the pain of being rejected and feeling unloved and neglected. I told myself 'hey it's ok to do this'. I wasn't hurting anyone or even myself. At the time I most certainly did not like myself at all.

I didn't know it at the time it was called "sin' and I was so angry at God for letting this happen to me. I didn't think God was even there with me at the time and that he just left me to do what I wanted to.

I have struggled with this 'feeling' for over 35 yrs and have acted on them occasionally. I met my hubby in 1970 and got married in 1977. And yes we are still together. For a very long time my husband never knew until recently. He has helped me so much in dealing with all of this.

Then in 1980 I accepted Christ as Savior at the church where I still go today. I really thought that once I was saved and even married, that those "feelings", thoughts, and desires would just go away and never bother me again. I just thought I wouldn't have this type of problem. BOY, was I wrong. Those feelings or thoughts or desires, HAD taken over my every thought life and there was no room for GOD in there.

I didn't think that God really cared for me to let me go through all this abuse thinking it was alright. All my life, I felt like I was not worth anything, that I didn't have anything useful to say and even if I did say it, that no one would like my ideas. I had no self-confidence.

I didn't feel like people wanted to have me around. I had friends, but no "best friend" to share all my secrets with. I was afraid of rejection. My way of dealing with things I did not want to deal with was to stuff them inside a box, in which I kept locked inside of me. I would give it over to the LORD, and then stuff it in the box again. Sometimes I would take it back out again and try to deal with it, but it made a bigger mess of it and stuffed it back again inside the box.

I have learned that GOD is truly working in my heart today to be truly and totally free from these desires or feelings. I ask GOD to help me be free in HIM and I know that HE is truly working in my heart because I DON'T have THOSE DESIRES anymore to do this or think this way. PRAISE GOD for HIS UNFAILING LOVE FOR ME!!! He is truly changing my heart to be clean and free. AMEN!!

Of course that doesn't mean we won't fall now and then, I am only human you know. I am trying to keep focus on GOD and not let Satan feed me his lies.

Two verses helped me see this: In EPHESIANS 2:8 & 9 it says, "For it is by grace you have been saved through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of GOD, not by works, so that no one can boast." (NIV).

The second verse is PSALMS 73:28 and it says, "As for me it is good to draw near to God, I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge, I will tell of your deeds." (NIV)

The Lord can deliver you from all kinds of situations, whether it would be drinking, smoking, abuse, etc. You can have peace in your heart if you only accept Christ as your Savior.

Don't give up, just give it to him. My prayer is that this page has brought some hope to you and maybe you feel that with GOD anything is possible.

Email Speedy or visit her website!